Holiday Grief: Why the Most Wonderful Time of the Year Feels So Hard for So Many
I am currently living in the Philippines, where Christmas is embraced with warmth and an early start. By September, the whole country is in holiday mode. The lobby of my apartment building, the elevators, and the balconies on my floor are already decorated. Trees are dressed, and fairy lights glow across the tropical evenings.
Yet as I move through all this early celebration, I notice a sharp contrast. This decade has brought a kind of collective grief that so many of us are carrying, and it gets heavier when it mixes with our own personal losses. If the holidays feel more like a weight than a celebration for you, I want you to know you are not the only one.
Why Holiday Grief Hits So Hard
Grief around the holidays is not just in your head. It shows up in the research. In 2022, the American Psychiatric Association added prolonged grief disorder to the DSM-5-TR. Studies of pandemic-era bereavement have since found that roughly 30% to 44% of grieving people met the criteria for the condition, compared with a pre-pandemic baseline of about 10%. Sudden isolation, no chance for bedside goodbyes, and the disruption of mourning rituals all played a part.
The holiday season adds its own pressure. According to data from the American Psychological Association, about 41% of adults say their stress rises during the holidays, and 38% name the grief of missing lost loved ones as a reason. Add the seasonal affective patterns many people call the “winter blues” as the daylight shifts, and the gap between what you feel inside and the cheer around you can feel almost unbearable.
What Is a “Grief Spell”? The Ball in the Box
A common way to describe grief is a ball in a box. When the loss is new, the ball fills the entire box. You are immersed in pain, anger, and sadness. Over time the ball stays the same size, but the box grows. Then one day the ball bumps a corner, and every bit of progress you thought you had made feels undone as the emotions rush back.
I call those moments “grief spells.” In those moments it feels as if the box has shrunk all over again. This will not be the first, second, or third holiday season I have spent on my own, but these past few months have felt especially harrowing, and I find myself bracing for the worst of the season.
When the Calendar Becomes a Minefield
If I am being honest, the shift began in August. My late mother’s birthday is August 19th, and five days before that is the birthday of my younger brother, from whom I am estranged. September brings my late father’s birthday. Then comes October, a month that holds a painful cluster of loss:
- My eldest brother, who passed away the day before Halloween in 2005, just shy of my 10th birthday.
- My late nana, the only grandparent I ever knew, who passed during my senior year and never got to see me cross that first big milestone into young adulthood and womanhood.
- My late father, who passed four years ago in 2022, one month into the final year of my graduate program.
So how do we get through it? How do we smile and keep our hearts steady while friends talk about the plans they are looking forward to with spouses, parents, and immediate or chosen family? What do you do when you are still early in the work of building a home within yourself, and still mapping out how to find the genuine community that complements it?
The Reality of Unprocessed Grief
Honestly, I do not have the answer, and I think that is the point. There is no one-size-fits-all fix for the holiday blues. The reasons this time of year feels heavy are as different as the people feeling it.
At a minimum, I think most of us just want to be seen, acknowledged, and heard. We want to know we are not alone, and that we can show up this season as we really are, without pressure to perform.
Grief makes people uncomfortable because, in many ways, our world runs on unprocessed grief. Once the initial shock fades, there is a social expectation to get back to work and back to our roles as partners, parents, siblings, and friends. We pause the active work of feeling and grieving, and we often get stuck in one of its stages:
Denial
Denial means refusing to accept that the person we were before the loss, and the life attached to that person, no longer exists. Trying to force things back to “normal” only creates friction with reality.
Sadness
Sadness often looks like suppressing the urge to cry when a lump rises in your throat. A song plays, a show comes on, or a familiar scent brings back someone who is no longer here, and you swallow it down.
Anger
Anger can be especially hard for women, who are often conditioned not to scream or shout about a loss that happened “so long ago” and are told it is time to move on.
When these emotions are not given room, we isolate. Even with a full life around us, whether that is a spouse, children, friends, or coworkers, we can end up feeling like a hollow shell, physically present but internally absent.
You Already Have Your Tools
People will offer endless advice for getting through the heavy days. Someone will tell you to punch a pillow or journal through the anger. Someone else will suggest breathwork, a walk, or a gratitude practice to ease the sadness and loneliness.
The truth is, you probably already have your tools. You likely know the coping strategies and have tried most of them. If those tools still feel like too little for what you are carrying, that is completely valid. Knowing how to cope does not automatically erase the weight of who and what is missing.
Giving Yourself Permission to Just Be
The best thing you can do for yourself this season is to stop performing. Let your feelings surface as they are, even if your tools do not fix them completely. You do not have to put on a show for the holidays. Honoring your grief is part of honoring your love, your history, and yourself.
When to Consider Grief Counseling in Arlington, TX
Sometimes grief becomes too heavy to carry alone, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If you want to learn more about how grief therapy in Arlington, TX works, we have a full guide. You may want extra support if you notice any of the following:
- Your grief feels just as intense months or years after the loss.
- You are pulling away from friends, family, or things you used to enjoy.
- Everyday tasks like work, sleep, or eating have become difficult.
- The holidays fill you with dread rather than just sadness.
If you are in Arlington or the surrounding DFW area and need a space to be heard without pressure to perform, Kenyatta Black Counseling is here to help. Our individual counseling offers a safe place to process loss, and virtual counseling is available if getting out the door feels like too much this season. Contact us to book a session and take the first step toward feeling seen.
If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
Frequently Asked Questions About Holiday Grief
Why is grief worse during the holidays?
The holidays are built around family, tradition, and togetherness, so they highlight who is missing. Add the pressure to appear cheerful, disrupted routines, and shorter daylight, and grief can feel much sharper than usual.
What is a grief spell?
A grief spell is a sudden wave of emotion that rises without much warning, often triggered by a date, a song, a smell, or a memory. It can feel like you have lost all the progress you made, but it is a normal part of the grieving process.
Is it normal to feel sad when everyone else is celebrating?
Yes. Many people feel sadness, anger, or numbness during the holidays, especially after a loss or a family estrangement. Feeling out of step with the festive mood does not mean something is wrong with you.
How long does grief last?
There is no set timeline. Grief changes shape over time, and it can resurface on birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. When intense grief continues beyond about 12 months and keeps getting in the way of daily life, it may be worth talking with a professional about prolonged grief disorder.
When should I see a grief counselor in Arlington, TX?
Consider reaching out if your grief feels overwhelming, if you are isolating, or if you simply want a safe place to process your loss with someone who listens. You do not have to wait for a crisis to ask for support.
